Men’s Interests  

What are men really looking for when they use internet porn?

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Psychotherapist Patrick McCurry explores what’s beneath some men’s use of online pornography.

—This is article #61 in our series of #100Voices4Men and boys 

“The soul often manifests itself in the sexual areas of life.”

Thomas Moore

Internet porn is an increasing issue among the male, heterosexual clients I see, and one that can cause a lot of shame as well as impacting on intimate relationships.

Some couples and individuals may have a comfortable relationship with porn and it may be something they enjoy making a part of their sex lives. But for many men it can become something secretive and taboo, which they turn to not simply because of the pleasure it offers but also as a way of escaping difficult feelings.

The easy and free accessibility of internet porn (and the range of sexual activity one can view) means that it can quickly become an instant hit for men who are not feeling good about themselves.

When the need for that ‘hit’, for that escape, becomes a regular way of handling difficult feelings internet porn use can become a problem both for the individual and his partner if he is in a relationship.

For me the interesting part is not just what a man may be escaping by using internet porn, but what he may, unconsciously, be seeking.

When men are lost in porn

To explore this one must ask the individual what he is drawn to in the experience, how he actually feels in the midst of it. Male clients tell me they feel excitement and passion when they are lost in internet porn, that they enjoy the secretive and rule-breaking atmosphere.

Some also feel they are giving themselves a treat or reward and even that they feel somehow nurtured by or attended to by the women they watch engaging in sex.

For some men there is also a pleasure in seeing women treated in a dominating, or even humiliating, way sexually and this may be tapping into unresolved angry feelings towards women that go back to childhood.

What are a man’s needs? 

Part of the work with these clients is about exploring with them what the porn gives them and whether that is a sign that there is something missing from the rest of their lives and relationships. If they feel excitement and passion using porn, is there a boredom or flatness in the rest of their life or relationships? If so, how can they bring some excitement into other areas of their life?

I would be interested in what might be holding the man back from bringing these energies into his life. Did he grow up with the message that it was somehow not ok for him to express excitement or passion, for example?

If the man feels somehow looked after or attended to by the women in porn videos, does this mean he feels that is lacking in his other relationships with women? Can he ask for these needs to be met in other relationships and can he begin to look after or attend to himself in healthier ways?

Men want to connect with women

For the man who is aroused by women being dominated or treated in a humiliating way I would be interested in how he felt his childhood excitement, anger and sexuality were treated by women. Did he feel those parts were not acceptable and did he feel humiliated by his mother or other females when he showed those energies and emotions?

What I’m aware when I hear the stories of men who have problematic relationships with porn is how the activity, as well as an escape is also a movement towards something.  This ‘something’ is often about feeling alive, connected to one’s excitement, feeling connected to and accepted by a woman.

Even the man who is drawn to porn that demeans women is, in a distorted way, trying to establish a connection with the feminine. If those feelings of anger and powerlessness, with regard to women, can be made more conscious they can then be worked with.

As psychotherapist and author Thomas Moore says, in his book The Soul of Sex, many of the people who came to see him had sexual concerns, “which eventually were revealed as containers of the central mysteries of the person’s life.”

—Picture credit: Flickr/Koeb

Patrick McCurry is a psychotherapist with practices in Eastbourne and east London, UK. He sees individuals and couples and has been trained in integrative psychosynthesis. You can find out more by visiting his website.

You can find all of the #100Voices4Men articles that will be published in the run up to International Men’s Day 2014 by clicking on this link—#100Voices4Men—and follow the discussion on twitter by searching for #100Voices4Men.

The views expressed in these articles are not the views of insideMAN editorial team. Whether you agree with the views expressed in this article or not we invite you to take take part in this important discussion, our only request is that you express yourself in a way that ensures everyone’s voice can be heard.

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  • Sputnik

    For me, it’s not at all complex. As a young teen with regular, surreptitious access to Playboy Mag, it was curiousity, which led to arousal, even when that didn’t quite work like I thought it was supposed to, like it did for the other Boy Scouts in the troop (keep reading). As an older teen — the sort of creature who, in a primal setting, would be gettin’ it on by that age — the occasional peek at a mag was a substitute for the real thing, in a rather chronic lack thereof, given the male proclivity versus the frequency of opportunity. I’d figured out how to make it work more reliably, by then. This situation continued into young adulthood, and reoccurred during a short, ill-fated marriage. Since then — since MGTOW, as of more’n 20 years ago — it’s a substitute for the real thing, again.

    But more than that, now that I’m older — approaching the last quarter — it’s the only thing that gets it up any more, given a severe deprivation as a result o’the knife circa my zero-eth birthday. No deformity other than the fact that ALL circumcision is a deformity, but, just, a. severe. lack o’somethin’. Worse than most, by far, if my reading serves me well, and including invisible nerve damage. Numb spots to the extent of more than 50% on the tiny bit of circumferential remnant and frenular area.

    In fact, this lack o’somethin’ was becoming problematic even before the end of that short, ill-fated marriage. In FACT, in fact— I’da probably never figured out how to make Johnson spill the beans if it weren’t for porn. Serious!

    And no, I find the great majority of porn repellant. I’m just looking for normal. I get a bigger kick out of the impression that the female “lead” is actually enjoying herself more than anything else, provided she isn’t somehow “enjoying” pain or other ludicrous nonsense. No rape fantasies for this ol’ boy. No kinkiness, no animals, no other messy baloney.

    A real-live “sex life” would have been nice! Cheers.

  • MakeItHilts

    This whole post made me annoyed. At every turn, the therapist interprets porn use as fundamentally problematic, wrong, or unhealthy — that men use it because they enjoy seeing women humiliated or dominated … (or, occasionally, that it makes them feel more deeply alive. He also acknowledges that there are couples who are basically okay or even happy with it, but it’s obviously not what the post is about.)

    But if I had to guess, the primarily negative view of the article is a distorting lens the author uses because the men he sees about their “problem” feel shame … which, I would further suggest, is because the women in their lives just don’t like it; in fact, I would guess these women are furious about it and see it as a kind of crime or betrayal.

    But what if it isn’t? What if it is neither a betrayal — nor shameful — nor perverted — nor evidence of wanting to see women “humiliated and dominated?” What if the therapist is simply wrong about this? He himself admits that it can sometimes give men a feeling of vitality and connection. Who are we to suggest that this feeling needs correcting, that it needs fixing and diverting into “healthier” behaviors? Or that it leads to some kind of desolate spiral? Maybe what people need is a more grown-up view of sexuality as complex, mysterious, and enriching so long as it doesn’t actually hurt people. And, of course, get rid of the kneejerk-view that male sexuality needs to be monitored and controlled, with the threat of humiliation if it breaks free.

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